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A Fathers Day Gift--Touch
by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
Dynamic Vision
My five-year-old son and I were finishing up a dinner at a small restaurant recently. Nearby, a
father and his teenage son embraced as they got up from their table. “Isn’t it nice that that man and
his son hugged?” I asked him.
"Isn’t that what they’re supposed to do?” he shot back.
“Well, yes they are, Michael, but it doesn’t always happen that way.”
“Why not?” he asked.
Indeed, why not?
Fathers have a responsibility to touch, hug, and cuddle with their kids. They have a responsibility
to know how important this is to their child’s development. And they need to fight the taboo in
our society about males touching each other and showing affection.
It’s amazing to learn how many fathers still have concerns about turning their sons into “wimps” or
“mamas boys” if they show them a lot of physical affection. Most of these fathers struggle with
issues about closeness from their own families of origin. And when boys haven’t received physical
touch and nurturing from their own fathers, they have a difficult time giving it to their own kids.
There are a lot of reasons to give your kids physical affection. Most of you will see the day
when your kids experience the hormonal explosion called the teen years. And many of you have
concerns about how volatile that stage will be.
Are you interested in a plan that will keep the teen years for your kids as peaceful as possible?
Here are some ideas on how fathers can use touch to benefit their kids and to prepare for the teen
years:
· Have a ritual of cuddling in the morning with your kids, even if for a short time. It’s a great
way to reinforce your connection with them before you start the day. If you leave before they’re
awake, you can do it when you come home.
· Give your kids back rubs, leg rubs, or foot rubs. Help them learn the wonders of touch and
show them the art of giving. You’ll end up on the receiving end of some of these eventually!
· Wrestle with your kids often. One of the best ways for fathers to connect with their kids is to
get on the floor and go at it. Make sure you do this with your daughter as well as your son—show
her that she’s capable of handling it.
· Try to hug your kids at least twice a day. When you establish this pattern, you’ll notice that
your kids will come to you for hugs. If you notice that they don’t seem happy, always offer a
friendly hug. Don’t take it personally if they decline.
· If you’re married, show physical affection to your wife. Your kids are watching closely, so show
them how it’s done.
· Commit to hugging your kids through their teen years. They may not agree to this plan, but keep
at it! Let them know that you’d like to hug them, and stay with it through all the rolling eyes and
disgusted looks. You can’t make them hug you, but you can let them know you’d like to.
· Be particularly aware of how you respond to your teenage daughter when she develops physically.
Many fathers are scared off when they find themselves faced with a daughter who’s matured
sexually. She still needs you, don’t go away!
The most effective way to ensure that your kids pass through the teen years smoothly is to create
a strong emotional bond with them when they’re young. Physical touch with your kids is an
essential part of this emotional bond. Your kids will thrive on this touching, and so will you.
We live in a society that doesn’t encourage touching and nurturing for men, but we all need
it. Your kids need it, too.
This Fathers Day, give your kids the gift of touch.
And then just keep on giving.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be
better fathers and husbands. He is the author
of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm
Sign up for his FREE newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix
Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com, and
get lots of other free stuff for dads.
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